Empty Thoughts
I usually do my journal reading rounds while I'm at work overnight, and after that I write in mine (if I have anything to say). I read journals in a random order and when I read Tim's (or Joe's sometimes) last I always feel a need to be profound in my writing. My writing never seems good enough. I've always felt that I was not as profound as others, and I think in a way this has given me a complex. I know I'm smart, very smart even, and I am a good writer and student when I need to be, but I could never dig deep, really deep. Sometimes I think it's because I just don't care, and sometimes I think it's too hard for me to think in those terms.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but take poetry, for instance. My exes Nate and Angelo both wrote poetry. They were both geniuses in their own right and I respected that. But while they would write poems for me, I never really cared for them as much as I should have. I like the literal. I'm a great APA style writer because I don't talk in flowery metaphors and usually get annoyed with them. But I also respect them at the same time because I can't do it. I can't write poetry, and even on long nights sitting on the swings talking to Angelo he would get into the deepest conversations you could ever imagine and I would try in vain to keep up but always end up feeling frustrated. It made me feel...not smart....I guess. I can read a person extremely easily, but I can't express thoughts and feelings to people outloud very well. I blame it on my upbringing. Stiff "I love you"s to my parents, no sex talk, no "I'm sad" or "I'm hurt" talks. If I was mad, I ran up to my room and closed the door. Maybe it's just me. I bet my mom would have talked to me about things but I was always embarrassed to say anything about anything. I left a note on her car steering wheel one time saying "I know about sex, now can I watch Night Court?" because that was the only reason she wouldn't let me watch the show. After that I suddenly could watch it, and we never mentioned sex again. It's a damn good thing I didn't turn into a raging slut I guess.
Wow tangents galore, you can tell Erica hasn't had her sleep. Okay I'm ending this now because I'm afraid half of it doesn't make sense but I'm trying to be less superficial in my posts (or post amusing side stories about spiders because...they amuse me) so if you can deal with the random neuronal firings for a few posts maybe things in my head will come together in a better way.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but take poetry, for instance. My exes Nate and Angelo both wrote poetry. They were both geniuses in their own right and I respected that. But while they would write poems for me, I never really cared for them as much as I should have. I like the literal. I'm a great APA style writer because I don't talk in flowery metaphors and usually get annoyed with them. But I also respect them at the same time because I can't do it. I can't write poetry, and even on long nights sitting on the swings talking to Angelo he would get into the deepest conversations you could ever imagine and I would try in vain to keep up but always end up feeling frustrated. It made me feel...not smart....I guess. I can read a person extremely easily, but I can't express thoughts and feelings to people outloud very well. I blame it on my upbringing. Stiff "I love you"s to my parents, no sex talk, no "I'm sad" or "I'm hurt" talks. If I was mad, I ran up to my room and closed the door. Maybe it's just me. I bet my mom would have talked to me about things but I was always embarrassed to say anything about anything. I left a note on her car steering wheel one time saying "I know about sex, now can I watch Night Court?" because that was the only reason she wouldn't let me watch the show. After that I suddenly could watch it, and we never mentioned sex again. It's a damn good thing I didn't turn into a raging slut I guess.
Wow tangents galore, you can tell Erica hasn't had her sleep. Okay I'm ending this now because I'm afraid half of it doesn't make sense but I'm trying to be less superficial in my posts (or post amusing side stories about spiders because...they amuse me) so if you can deal with the random neuronal firings for a few posts maybe things in my head will come together in a better way.
Comments