this sucks
I feel like shit right now. Physically, emotionally, blah. And I'm at work. And it's 4 in the morning. I just want to go to sleep, I've wanted to go to sleep since 9pm tonight. Let me go back and explain.
I felt good for most of the day today. I was a little tired from randomly having to go into work last night, but I'm getting 8 hrs of overtime this week which means at least 100 extra dollars in my paycheck, so I could handle that. Then Andrew gets worried at work, and needs to talk to me. I say we can talk when he gets home.
He gets home, we talk. I say I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, but I still love him. I want to do things with him, hang out, have fun, but I don't feel a need to kiss him or really be intimate. So my logical conclusion is that we should probably break up. Now in all the discussions we're having I keep using the words "probably" or "I think" or "I feel like" because I am so fucking scared. I am scared to death that I am going to make the wrong decision here. If I break up with him, I'm losing an amazing person who cares so much for me that even if I'm doing this shit to him every week pretty much, he still wants to be with me forever. (he even said he was planning on proposing soon). If I stay with him though, and I'm not in love with him, what's the point of that? It makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY that I have to be like this. I can't just take a perfectly good man and love him. Just love him, nothing else. That's all I need to do and I can't handle it.
So we talk and I cry, and I cry, and....I cry. And he cries. And we randomly go out to dinner and Starbucks. I hadn't eaten all day, I haven't really had an appetite recently, so the dinner was pretty good, but then I just got physically sick trying to make myself not cry in front of people, and needed to go home. We went home and I just wanted him to hold me, and he just wanted to hold me, and I just kept thinking of the Ben Folds song Narcolepsy where he gets emotional and just goes to sleep, and I wanted to sleep so badly. Andrew will sleep anywhere and everywhere so we laid down and just slept at like 10 pm til I had to go to work.
So here I am at work, Pat here trying to help me out, but I still just want to sleep. I want sleep so badly it hurts. And my eyes hurt. Stupid crying. I probably look like a drug addict.
Grrrrrrrrrrr I just want everything to be easy.
Oh and I got Andrew all obsessed with horoscopes and things so he made me check my tarot reading and I got one that was like "if you recently went through a breakup, you should spread your wings and fly! You will enjoy success in new encounters" blah blah. So we were like "well that sucks let's look at Andrews". He got the SAME THING. The exact same reading for the love part, but different for the career.
We left it pretty open, that I need to make a decision, and it has to be my decision because he is still very much in love with me and isn't throwing it away unless he needs to. I, of course, can't make the decision either way right now and we're in limbo again. I need to be a stronger person.
Okay I should go try not to sleep some more, I only have 2 hours til subjects arise from the dead....I mean get up and around....so yeah.
I felt good for most of the day today. I was a little tired from randomly having to go into work last night, but I'm getting 8 hrs of overtime this week which means at least 100 extra dollars in my paycheck, so I could handle that. Then Andrew gets worried at work, and needs to talk to me. I say we can talk when he gets home.
He gets home, we talk. I say I don't think I'm in love with him anymore, but I still love him. I want to do things with him, hang out, have fun, but I don't feel a need to kiss him or really be intimate. So my logical conclusion is that we should probably break up. Now in all the discussions we're having I keep using the words "probably" or "I think" or "I feel like" because I am so fucking scared. I am scared to death that I am going to make the wrong decision here. If I break up with him, I'm losing an amazing person who cares so much for me that even if I'm doing this shit to him every week pretty much, he still wants to be with me forever. (he even said he was planning on proposing soon). If I stay with him though, and I'm not in love with him, what's the point of that? It makes me SO FUCKING ANGRY that I have to be like this. I can't just take a perfectly good man and love him. Just love him, nothing else. That's all I need to do and I can't handle it.
So we talk and I cry, and I cry, and....I cry. And he cries. And we randomly go out to dinner and Starbucks. I hadn't eaten all day, I haven't really had an appetite recently, so the dinner was pretty good, but then I just got physically sick trying to make myself not cry in front of people, and needed to go home. We went home and I just wanted him to hold me, and he just wanted to hold me, and I just kept thinking of the Ben Folds song Narcolepsy where he gets emotional and just goes to sleep, and I wanted to sleep so badly. Andrew will sleep anywhere and everywhere so we laid down and just slept at like 10 pm til I had to go to work.
So here I am at work, Pat here trying to help me out, but I still just want to sleep. I want sleep so badly it hurts. And my eyes hurt. Stupid crying. I probably look like a drug addict.
Grrrrrrrrrrr I just want everything to be easy.
Oh and I got Andrew all obsessed with horoscopes and things so he made me check my tarot reading and I got one that was like "if you recently went through a breakup, you should spread your wings and fly! You will enjoy success in new encounters" blah blah. So we were like "well that sucks let's look at Andrews". He got the SAME THING. The exact same reading for the love part, but different for the career.
We left it pretty open, that I need to make a decision, and it has to be my decision because he is still very much in love with me and isn't throwing it away unless he needs to. I, of course, can't make the decision either way right now and we're in limbo again. I need to be a stronger person.
Okay I should go try not to sleep some more, I only have 2 hours til subjects arise from the dead....I mean get up and around....so yeah.
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