A Conversation with My Mother

This is how crazy she is, folks:

Mom: So the ceiling in the kitchen is falling down because there's always water all over the bathroom floor upstairs, and the light in the living room fell and crashed the other day. I think that Satan is here.

Me: Yeah that or the house was built badly.

Mom: It could be that too I guess, but I keep praying for Satan to leave me alone just in case. I was at grandma's the other day and her entire shelf fell in her bathroom, plus all the weird dreams I've been having.

Me: Maybe you just have a ghost following you around. Maybe it's grandpa trying to get your attention.

Mom: (hahaha) mmhmm. Well I know you don't take me seriously honey but you really should because these medical problems you're having could be a sign of dark forces. You better pray. Maybe I'll have my group pray for you.

Me: Yes my tonsils are acting up because of THE DEVIL. It's not that you and dad both had to have yours out and it's genetic or anything. And do NOT ask anyone to pray for me, it's completely superfluous.

Mom: (Sharp intake of breath) !! Don't you say that!

Me: Mom, do you even know what superfluous means?

Mom: Yes, it means silly, and prayer is NOT sill---

Me: NO it means excessive, not needed, that's all I was saying. If you're gonna pray for me, save up your prayers and pray for me when I move to NYC in a year or so. (trying to egg her on)

Mom: Ohhhh NYC huh?? (laughing) I will definitely pray for you there! You're not moving in with Mike are you? Honey why don't you just get married and THEN move in with him? You know premarital sex isn't right!

Me: Well then I guess I'm GOING TO HELL!

Mom: Ohhhhhhhh youuuu (laughing) you better be good! You know what happened with Andrew! Why don't you just get married? You really should start going to church.

Me: MOM, I'm sure I'll get married eventually, calm down. I don't want to talk to you anymore, I'm gonna go. I'll pray that the devil stops knocking things over in your house.

Mom: Okay thank you honey!

That conversation is verbatim, I shit you not. *Sigh* That is a woman that has SERIOUS guilt issues. See what can happen when you do bad shit to others? You become completely nuts.

It's too bad I love her so much :(

Comments

Joseph said…
DAMN YOU FOR LOVING YOUR MOTHER!

i guess she'll see you in hell.
10:43 PM, August 29, 2006
Susan Osborne said…
POST SOME PICTURES ALREADY, DAMN IT! oh no, the devil has possessed me... tell your mom to pray for me!
11:47 AM, August 30, 2006
Sophia said…
Oh, God. Mine is crazy to. Interestingly, rather than Satan, the minorities are responsible for all of her problems. Well, the minorities, my dad's wife, and my former therapist. None of it is her fault because she is FUCKING NUTS. No, not at all.
3:02 PM, September 24, 2006
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