All alone

First of all....there is nobody at the lab right now. I have no idea why, it's the middle of the week and there should be at least one other person besides me here. Kind of unsettling, especially since a strange man came and stole Wil's wallet the other day. (and I actually saw him leaving)

Second of all...I've been watching the all too good and all too cancelled show Firefly lately. There was a marathon last friday and I just finished all the episodes. I really liked it, something about cowboys in space intrigues me I guess. Plus the dialogue is great (thank you Joss Whedon) Plus plus the Cap'n is awesomely awesome. I think I'm gonna have to go buy Serenity (the movie that just came out based on the show) now.

Thirdly...(I should just start numbering these paragraphs) sorry to anyone who may have gotten a really annoying virus from me on AIM. It definitely helped my blog get some traffic though (hi Abby!), and I ended up with a new myspace friend too. I thought I had gotten rid of the virus the first night I got it. Alas, it came back the next day and I ended up getting phone calls at work about it, so the smart girl that I am, I signed on at work and signed off at home. I got home from work that night and Andrew was sitting on the couch talking to his ex girlfriend and laughing about all the windows open on my computer :( Then he helped me to REALLY get rid of it later.

Last but certainly not least, I really hate being unsure of what I'm doing in life. Usually things are planned out so nicely for me and I just follow the path, but sometimes there are snags and it sucks a lot. I can psychoanalyze myself to death about it, but it's not gonna change the fact that I don't have a solution.

Okay less vaguely....I am stressed, in general. I have a new position at my job that I know pretty much nothing about and I'm not getting paid any more money, and my mom is off the deep end and my dad is just living with it. Those things stress me out.

The last time I was stressed was when I was graduating from college, moving into my own apartment in Rochester where I'd never lived, and starting my job at the lab. What happened in my love life at that time? I broke up with Pat. No no, I started getting crushes on random guys in my life other than Pat and THEN I broke up with him.

I feel like this is a repeat of what happened back then, without the binge drinking on the part of the boyfriend and with a lot of extra worries. Okay. I was caught talking to somebody else in a very flirtatious way online, and Andrew and I had a long discussion about things. I was feeling bored/unhappy in our relationship, and I don't know if I can contribute that to my stressors in life or the relationship in general or this other guy or my fucked up head or what.

So yesterday I told him I wouldn't talk to the other guy, and we should try to make things work with us. Andrew was very supportive and nice, and hung out with me all day and didn't play his computer game once. But do I want that? Do I want someone so afraid that I'll leave them that they just cater to my every whim?....well.....j/k. No I really don't. I have problems with guys even paying for things for me, let alone trying to make me happy every second. I don't know, I want things to be normal like they were and I don't know if that's gonna happen.

I'm sick of being the bad guy in relationships, people make fun of me because I say guys like me all the time or whatever but it's very hard to deal with. It must suck to get your heart broken, but it really sucks to break them. It's also hard knowing there are other options and doing nothing about it. Every boyfriend has been content to be with me, why can't I be the same way??

I'm so frustrated with myself right now. Thanks for letting me get that stuff out, and sorry Andrew that I'm talking about this on a public forum, but I needed it.

I know I ask for comments and nobody gives them, yet I'm almost at 10,000 visitors. So if you have any advice at all, please let me know.