The Joys of Psychology and Pole Dancing
Well I was cleaning the control room the other day, getting rid of miscellaneous papers that were laying around, when I found a magazine on top of the mailboxes. I looked at the page that was open, and lo and behold this is what I see:
In case you are too lazy to blow the pic up bigger....it's ME! I felt famous, then I realized it was just the magazine that the Cancer Center puts out. The picture is from the time I was on the news though, and let me tell you I was loving that day. I begged for Michael to pick me for the tech that was gonna be on the news and he actually listened! Anyway I already wrote that whole blog entry so moving on...
Sooooo I believe at least one person is patiently awaiting my pole-dancing experience story, I will relay that now.
Saturday was a good day. Joe came up to hang out and strew video games/dvds all over the living room, Sue and Robert came up to go out to dinner (well Robert ALMOST went out with us), and then Sue, Andrew, and I went to Gabe and Justin's for a get together involving beer pong, beer pong, and more beer pong.
Since I had many salty things to eat that day, I was drinking like a fish (very unusual for me) AND I was playing beer pong. Not a good combination for staying sober. Andrew and I pulled off the first game against Gabe and Sue, even though winning involved me telling Gabe I loved him numerous times and Andrew trying to take my clothes off for the amusement of others. After that we played Justin and Sue, and apparently Justin is a beer pong master, so we were done after that.
The energy is always so high when I'm with those two, I swear. There were some random guys and girls over at their place, one who introduced themselves to me as "MIKE JONES BITCH", another who said "Hi Erica I'm Stan!" who I never talked to once and had no idea how he knew my name, and a girl who Sue and I believed had a strange crush on me, which I'll discuss later.
So some song comes on and all the guys start singing with the most conviction I've ever seen in anyone, and showing off their asses randomly. People gradually forget about the beer pong and we all get into the songs that are playing.
Well...."You Can Do It (Put Your Ass Into It)" came on, and I can't NOT dance to that song, so all the girls who were left started dancing with each other, and Gabe and Justin and others were dancing together too. My drinks started hitting me pretty hard, and the next thing I remember the girl, Lyn, who I mentioned earlier, was trying to teach Sue and I how to do a good pole dance. We were bending backwards, twirling around the pole, etc. We did that for like 3 songs, while Gabe was VIDEO TAPING the whole thing. (Sorry, no pics yet, I'll see if he can send some my way)
Well I normally think I suck at dancing, and I do get very self conscious about it so that's probably a lot of it, but when I get drunk I stop caring and I can actually feel myself getting better as I get more drunk. So everyone is telling me "wow you looked so good out there" and that makes me feel really good because I know I don't have to suck if I don't have to.
So everyone is taking a break and sitting on the couch, so I go over there after a bathroom break, and Lyn is like "YOU WERE AMAZING OUT THERE" and keeps telling me that I had a gorgeous body and face and I looked great on camera and I was an awesome dancer and she was so happy that she was dancing with me. I was like "...woah". She told me a million times to find her on myspace, which I still have to remember to do, and then I just sat with Gabe and Andrew and talked to them....
...til I got REALLY fucking wasted and started talking to Andrew about our relationship again. (HORISCOPE ALERT) I dont really remember what was said, but all I know is that I couldn't tell him that I wanted to be with him for sure, and he just took off. He got a really mad look on his face and went upstairs. He wouldn't talk to me til we got home, when he threw my pajamas out into the hall and told me to sleep on the couch.
So me drunk, I go into the bedroom and try to talk to him. Not a good idea, since I still didn't know what I was talking about, and he tells me "I'm breaking up with you." Of course I go crazy and start crying hysterically and leave and sleep on the futon in the den (Sue was on the couch). The next morning I was fully believing that we were done, then Andrew calls and says we're gonna talk.
So I drop Sue off in Geneva (yeah that's right) and then we talk. Pretty much all day. I still was very confused about everything, he decided to be okay with that but not to let me talk to the guy that is also part of my problem. So I went from not talking to him, to talking to him, to not talking to him in a week's time and he's probably like "fuck this crazy girl" but I'm just trying to do what's healthy.
SO that leads me into today. (God this is gonna be long). I have, at my disposal, a clinical psychologist licensed to do therapy, who happens to be my co-worker. I asked her if we could talk at lunch so we ended up eating lunch alone in her office for an hour, talking about my problems.
After much chatting, she's determined that I may have a slight case of depression (which seems very odd to me since I'm one of the happiest people I know normally). On my own, I've figured out that these things Ive been doing are probably escapist mechanisms for my stress. I'm watching tv more, playing video games more, drinking more, wanting to go out more, wanting to talk to people who bring my ego up and make me excited, etc.
She says instead of drinking a lot and taking issues out on Andrew, that I should exersize and write in a non-public journal. I also think I've been putting my issues with my mom off and getting angry at Andrew instead because I can't talk to her about it. So my co-worker thinks healthy things will take my mind off of stuff in a good way and cause me to be happier. I do need to exersize, haven't done that in forever, so I think tonight or tomorrow I'll do that.
I felt better after talking to her, but that doesn't mean my feelings will change in a day. Hopefully what she's saying is what is going on, and hopefully I won't do something in the wrong state of mind.
Blah sorry about that whole thing. I really hope I'm stronger than my mind though, because right now it seems so hard to stay away from the bad stuff :(
In case you are too lazy to blow the pic up bigger....it's ME! I felt famous, then I realized it was just the magazine that the Cancer Center puts out. The picture is from the time I was on the news though, and let me tell you I was loving that day. I begged for Michael to pick me for the tech that was gonna be on the news and he actually listened! Anyway I already wrote that whole blog entry so moving on...
Sooooo I believe at least one person is patiently awaiting my pole-dancing experience story, I will relay that now.
Saturday was a good day. Joe came up to hang out and strew video games/dvds all over the living room, Sue and Robert came up to go out to dinner (well Robert ALMOST went out with us), and then Sue, Andrew, and I went to Gabe and Justin's for a get together involving beer pong, beer pong, and more beer pong.
Since I had many salty things to eat that day, I was drinking like a fish (very unusual for me) AND I was playing beer pong. Not a good combination for staying sober. Andrew and I pulled off the first game against Gabe and Sue, even though winning involved me telling Gabe I loved him numerous times and Andrew trying to take my clothes off for the amusement of others. After that we played Justin and Sue, and apparently Justin is a beer pong master, so we were done after that.
The energy is always so high when I'm with those two, I swear. There were some random guys and girls over at their place, one who introduced themselves to me as "MIKE JONES BITCH", another who said "Hi Erica I'm Stan!" who I never talked to once and had no idea how he knew my name, and a girl who Sue and I believed had a strange crush on me, which I'll discuss later.
So some song comes on and all the guys start singing with the most conviction I've ever seen in anyone, and showing off their asses randomly. People gradually forget about the beer pong and we all get into the songs that are playing.
Well...."You Can Do It (Put Your Ass Into It)" came on, and I can't NOT dance to that song, so all the girls who were left started dancing with each other, and Gabe and Justin and others were dancing together too. My drinks started hitting me pretty hard, and the next thing I remember the girl, Lyn, who I mentioned earlier, was trying to teach Sue and I how to do a good pole dance. We were bending backwards, twirling around the pole, etc. We did that for like 3 songs, while Gabe was VIDEO TAPING the whole thing. (Sorry, no pics yet, I'll see if he can send some my way)
Well I normally think I suck at dancing, and I do get very self conscious about it so that's probably a lot of it, but when I get drunk I stop caring and I can actually feel myself getting better as I get more drunk. So everyone is telling me "wow you looked so good out there" and that makes me feel really good because I know I don't have to suck if I don't have to.
So everyone is taking a break and sitting on the couch, so I go over there after a bathroom break, and Lyn is like "YOU WERE AMAZING OUT THERE" and keeps telling me that I had a gorgeous body and face and I looked great on camera and I was an awesome dancer and she was so happy that she was dancing with me. I was like "...woah". She told me a million times to find her on myspace, which I still have to remember to do, and then I just sat with Gabe and Andrew and talked to them....
...til I got REALLY fucking wasted and started talking to Andrew about our relationship again. (HORISCOPE ALERT) I dont really remember what was said, but all I know is that I couldn't tell him that I wanted to be with him for sure, and he just took off. He got a really mad look on his face and went upstairs. He wouldn't talk to me til we got home, when he threw my pajamas out into the hall and told me to sleep on the couch.
So me drunk, I go into the bedroom and try to talk to him. Not a good idea, since I still didn't know what I was talking about, and he tells me "I'm breaking up with you." Of course I go crazy and start crying hysterically and leave and sleep on the futon in the den (Sue was on the couch). The next morning I was fully believing that we were done, then Andrew calls and says we're gonna talk.
So I drop Sue off in Geneva (yeah that's right) and then we talk. Pretty much all day. I still was very confused about everything, he decided to be okay with that but not to let me talk to the guy that is also part of my problem. So I went from not talking to him, to talking to him, to not talking to him in a week's time and he's probably like "fuck this crazy girl" but I'm just trying to do what's healthy.
SO that leads me into today. (God this is gonna be long). I have, at my disposal, a clinical psychologist licensed to do therapy, who happens to be my co-worker. I asked her if we could talk at lunch so we ended up eating lunch alone in her office for an hour, talking about my problems.
After much chatting, she's determined that I may have a slight case of depression (which seems very odd to me since I'm one of the happiest people I know normally). On my own, I've figured out that these things Ive been doing are probably escapist mechanisms for my stress. I'm watching tv more, playing video games more, drinking more, wanting to go out more, wanting to talk to people who bring my ego up and make me excited, etc.
She says instead of drinking a lot and taking issues out on Andrew, that I should exersize and write in a non-public journal. I also think I've been putting my issues with my mom off and getting angry at Andrew instead because I can't talk to her about it. So my co-worker thinks healthy things will take my mind off of stuff in a good way and cause me to be happier. I do need to exersize, haven't done that in forever, so I think tonight or tomorrow I'll do that.
I felt better after talking to her, but that doesn't mean my feelings will change in a day. Hopefully what she's saying is what is going on, and hopefully I won't do something in the wrong state of mind.
Blah sorry about that whole thing. I really hope I'm stronger than my mind though, because right now it seems so hard to stay away from the bad stuff :(
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