Silence is Golden

So I can talk. Maybe not as eloquently as I type, but I have no trouble striking up conversations with people. However, talking is not the same as expressing emotions through words, which I have a very hard time doing. I feel like it's very hard for me to say how I feel to people, for fear of getting put down, and sometimes, for fear of hurting others' feelings.

Now when Andrew and I were in the process of our horrendously emotional breakup, I was crying a lot, but not saying much at all. So Andrew was confused and tried to get me to emote by constantly asking me how I was feeling, which wasn't helping the matter at all. Well Andrew has just broken up with the girl he went out with after me (BEFORE I started dating Mike, I may add). She's very hurt and keeps wondering what things she could have done to change how he felt and why he didn't tell her much of a reason why he didn't want to be with her.

This makes me feel guilty for never telling Andrew anything about why I wanted to leave him. He figures that it's all Mike's fault, but the fact is, even if I hadn't started talking to Mike I would have left the relationship. Mike just showed me that I could actually have what I really wanted in a person.

Every time I meet a guy they always say what they "require" for a relationship. I've always had traits that I would have liked to have, but I guess in some odd way I didn't think I deserved a person with everything I've ever wanted. They would be "too cool" for me, and I know I have a large ego about guys wanting me, but relationship-wise, my ego is completely different.

So besides the usual good looking thing, personality-wise I've always admired guys who feel at ease socially, who can make jokes that are actually funny, who are responsible, who are polite to people they don't know AND people they know, and who actually TALK to people they don't know. But I also like guys who are intelligent but not overly pompously intelligent. Extroversion, intellegence, and open-mindedness (did I mention open-mindedness?) all together in one well-adjusted person usually doesn't exist.

So I've settled for some qualities and not others. My past boyfriends have been great in some ways, but as time went on the traits I didn't like became too much to deal with, and I would start looking elsewhere.

I know I'm still in the "honeymoon stage", where LITERALLY my brain can't recognize the bad qualities in my boyfriend (it's an actual thing brains do when you're in love) so I'm not gonna fool myself and try to fool others into thinking Mike is perfect. He's not perfect and I know it. But I'm hoping, really hoping, that he's perfect for ME. That finally my feelings won't just vanish one day into thin air and I'll be left starting from scratch, again. Of course this is besides the fact that he could break up with me as well, which I prefer not to think about.

Sue says that I've cried wolf a bunch of times, and I think she's sick of being excited for me and my new relationships. (yes, I am a serial monogomist) But I can't just hold myself back, or I'll be stuck in limbo, dating guys but never getting too close, and eventually I'll just be alone forever. So when I really like someone, I fall. Besides, when else can I say I stalked someone and it actually worked out?

So I guess in the beginning, before I just started typing everything that ever came into my head, I was trying to say that I didn't want to be with Andrew anymore because he didn't have much of a social life, he depended on me for a lot of things (which freaks me out to no end), I can't even begin to describe how I get annoyed by his kitchen and bathroom habits. And he just...wasn't who I really wanted. I never said any of this to him, for fear of hurting his feelings. But I feel like I have to put it out where there is a small chance of him reading it, mostly to make myself feel better.

Sorry, watching How I Met Your Mother and Grey's Anatomy got me into a mood I can't get out of. But I'm done now, don't worry.

Love is a very tricky thing, folks.