Okay I've actually done a psychological examination of myself (one of the perks of being a psyc major) and figured out a few things. I'll share them, since this is the first time I'm going through this, and it's better to get things that you feel out in the open.
So a couple posts ago I thought I was going crazy b/c of the Martha's Vineyard trip, when in fact, the trip actually just let me act out the subconcious feelings I was having in the meantime. I'll try to clarify (oh and this has nothing to do with my relationship, that's going fine).
During the time I was at Martha's Vineyard, I was having fun drinking and partying every night, like normal people my age would do on vacation, but then there was the whole Kevin fiasco. I can't believe I even let myself get into that situation in the first place, and I think that might have something to do with it. Also, the saturday that I got so drunk that I threw up...I haven't thrown up in a year so that was weird too.
Then when I got home from the trip I was still feeling very weird, like anxious for some reason. I was in a bitchy mood for about a whole week straight, and last weekend I got really drunk and decided to take a hit, which I NEVER do. Well the night of the concert it finally came to me, when I was thinking oddly that I wanted to smoke pot and I didn't know why. I'm trying to escape.
Escape what? Well let me tell you. My hammartia (how smart am I) or tragic flaw is that I don't handle change very well at all. I hate transitions, and I think most people are like that to a degree. Well right now so many changes are going on in my life that I just can't deal with it anymore.
First of all, my grandpa is dying. That's probably the biggest problem I have. The joke at school between my suitemates and I was always that nobody ever dies in my family or that I know, b/c I have NEVER been close to anyone who has died. And I always said when that happened, I was gonna be in trouble. And anybody that knows me and knows my grandparents can say that we are very close. Right now the doctors are giving my grandpa less than a year, and with his cancer and chemo and everything it's pretty much killing me. I bought him a hat from Martha's Vineyard, and my grandma tells me he wears it every day. He fell asleep with it on his head one day. Stuff like that makes me want to cry, yet I always hold back. I want to be in denial, and I want things to go back to the way they were, with dinners at my grandparent's house and him doing funny little things all the time. I'm definitely not in denial, since I visit him at least 2x a week, and I played him some Italian songs on the piano yesterday, but I still don't let myself ever think about it.
The other thing that is in the distance but still looming is that this is my last year of school, at least for awhile, and I don't really know what it's gonna be like when I leave. I want to be in college forever, it's comfortable there and I don't think I like the real world. So in a week when I actually have to go to college, I am forced to think about that too.
I apologize to anyone that just read all that, b/c it's a bit depressing, but I really don't know what to do right now. I can drink myself into a stupor all the time, but that's not healthy. I told Pat about everything (he's being awesome), and he thinks I should talk to my parents, but my parents and I are NOT emotional around each other. I'll try to figure something out, I think it'll be okay.
So a couple posts ago I thought I was going crazy b/c of the Martha's Vineyard trip, when in fact, the trip actually just let me act out the subconcious feelings I was having in the meantime. I'll try to clarify (oh and this has nothing to do with my relationship, that's going fine).
During the time I was at Martha's Vineyard, I was having fun drinking and partying every night, like normal people my age would do on vacation, but then there was the whole Kevin fiasco. I can't believe I even let myself get into that situation in the first place, and I think that might have something to do with it. Also, the saturday that I got so drunk that I threw up...I haven't thrown up in a year so that was weird too.
Then when I got home from the trip I was still feeling very weird, like anxious for some reason. I was in a bitchy mood for about a whole week straight, and last weekend I got really drunk and decided to take a hit, which I NEVER do. Well the night of the concert it finally came to me, when I was thinking oddly that I wanted to smoke pot and I didn't know why. I'm trying to escape.
Escape what? Well let me tell you. My hammartia (how smart am I) or tragic flaw is that I don't handle change very well at all. I hate transitions, and I think most people are like that to a degree. Well right now so many changes are going on in my life that I just can't deal with it anymore.
First of all, my grandpa is dying. That's probably the biggest problem I have. The joke at school between my suitemates and I was always that nobody ever dies in my family or that I know, b/c I have NEVER been close to anyone who has died. And I always said when that happened, I was gonna be in trouble. And anybody that knows me and knows my grandparents can say that we are very close. Right now the doctors are giving my grandpa less than a year, and with his cancer and chemo and everything it's pretty much killing me. I bought him a hat from Martha's Vineyard, and my grandma tells me he wears it every day. He fell asleep with it on his head one day. Stuff like that makes me want to cry, yet I always hold back. I want to be in denial, and I want things to go back to the way they were, with dinners at my grandparent's house and him doing funny little things all the time. I'm definitely not in denial, since I visit him at least 2x a week, and I played him some Italian songs on the piano yesterday, but I still don't let myself ever think about it.
The other thing that is in the distance but still looming is that this is my last year of school, at least for awhile, and I don't really know what it's gonna be like when I leave. I want to be in college forever, it's comfortable there and I don't think I like the real world. So in a week when I actually have to go to college, I am forced to think about that too.
I apologize to anyone that just read all that, b/c it's a bit depressing, but I really don't know what to do right now. I can drink myself into a stupor all the time, but that's not healthy. I told Pat about everything (he's being awesome), and he thinks I should talk to my parents, but my parents and I are NOT emotional around each other. I'll try to figure something out, I think it'll be okay.
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