Hulk Smash!
I feel like I want to Hulk Smash everything sometimes. And it's weird, because I've never been an angry person. When I was younger I never got bothered by anything, and sometimes when I'd hold my anger in, I'd have dreams about beating people up or I'd wrestle with the neighbor boys (yes you heard me) and that got my aggression out safely.
Now, it seems like I get so angry all the time. I'm pretty sure it's because of my family issues, which are bothering me on a deeper level than even I am willing to admit. I want to be mad at my mom, I want to hate her and yell at her for breaking our family up, but I can't. She's found God or whatever and I know she feels guilty as hell so I can't yell at her and hate her. That doesn't mean I don't want to though.
So I'm trying to just pretend like I'm dealing with all of this like a normal, sane adult, but the trouble is that I've never had drama in my entire life, at least not with my family. My family has always been fine up until about a year ago, then it completely imploded. (And I know it hasn't always been fine, but that was my perception of things)
I've found that I bite my bottom lip a lot. I bite it really hard, so that it hurts, and that makes the anger subside. Sometimes when I don't do that I ball my fists up and squeeze them, and that makes it a little better too. If I'm driving and I feel anger coming on, I usually drive really fast and if someone is a bad driver I'll ride their asses or I'll speed past them and give them dirty looks.
Luckily, I'm not taking any of this out on Mike, since I happen to see him every day. I think he'd get a LITTLE annoyed if I was angry at him all the time. I actually feel really good around him, he makes me forget my problems.
For some reason, I seem to be taking most of it out on Sjene (my roommate). I think it's because her style of living and mine do not match up at all, and that irks me a tiny bit, but it's gotten so that I just don't even care to have a decent conversation with her anymore, and it's really not her fault at all. She just has alot of...stuff. Knick knacks or whatever. I don't do knick knacks. I keep my stuff as bare as I can stand. So it's funny, if you come into our apartment, my room has no little "extras", but the living room, bathroom, and kitchen area are filled with random shit. And it's ALL hers. All of it. I really can't say "be neat and tidy and stop putting things on every bare surface in our house" because that's not the way she is. So blah, whatever.
That was kind of a tangent, but I asked the all knowing therapist at my work what I should do about anger, and she said not to do "angry" type things like punch a pillow, or punch anything for that matter. She said I could scream into a pillow, or write (which I am trying out now), or do some sort of sports activity, or have sex (which I would do regardless).
My mom does want to talk to me about everything that's going on, so maybe after we talk to each other (she's previously not acknowledged any of her breaking -up-the-family problems before now) I'll feel a lot better.
I hope so, because I really don't want to get in a fist-fight with anyone right now, or have permanent teeth marks in my lower lip forever.
Now, it seems like I get so angry all the time. I'm pretty sure it's because of my family issues, which are bothering me on a deeper level than even I am willing to admit. I want to be mad at my mom, I want to hate her and yell at her for breaking our family up, but I can't. She's found God or whatever and I know she feels guilty as hell so I can't yell at her and hate her. That doesn't mean I don't want to though.
So I'm trying to just pretend like I'm dealing with all of this like a normal, sane adult, but the trouble is that I've never had drama in my entire life, at least not with my family. My family has always been fine up until about a year ago, then it completely imploded. (And I know it hasn't always been fine, but that was my perception of things)
I've found that I bite my bottom lip a lot. I bite it really hard, so that it hurts, and that makes the anger subside. Sometimes when I don't do that I ball my fists up and squeeze them, and that makes it a little better too. If I'm driving and I feel anger coming on, I usually drive really fast and if someone is a bad driver I'll ride their asses or I'll speed past them and give them dirty looks.
Luckily, I'm not taking any of this out on Mike, since I happen to see him every day. I think he'd get a LITTLE annoyed if I was angry at him all the time. I actually feel really good around him, he makes me forget my problems.
For some reason, I seem to be taking most of it out on Sjene (my roommate). I think it's because her style of living and mine do not match up at all, and that irks me a tiny bit, but it's gotten so that I just don't even care to have a decent conversation with her anymore, and it's really not her fault at all. She just has alot of...stuff. Knick knacks or whatever. I don't do knick knacks. I keep my stuff as bare as I can stand. So it's funny, if you come into our apartment, my room has no little "extras", but the living room, bathroom, and kitchen area are filled with random shit. And it's ALL hers. All of it. I really can't say "be neat and tidy and stop putting things on every bare surface in our house" because that's not the way she is. So blah, whatever.
That was kind of a tangent, but I asked the all knowing therapist at my work what I should do about anger, and she said not to do "angry" type things like punch a pillow, or punch anything for that matter. She said I could scream into a pillow, or write (which I am trying out now), or do some sort of sports activity, or have sex (which I would do regardless).
My mom does want to talk to me about everything that's going on, so maybe after we talk to each other (she's previously not acknowledged any of her breaking -up-the-family problems before now) I'll feel a lot better.
I hope so, because I really don't want to get in a fist-fight with anyone right now, or have permanent teeth marks in my lower lip forever.
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